He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings