[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I need this for my side hustle.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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