Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Hmmmmm
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭