RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”