The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Brilliant!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco