ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.