HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?