took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.