Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Breaking news:
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Childbirth is so beautiful
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of