There鈥檚 so much going on 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Oh I鈥檓 heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I鈥檓 fine
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 脳 1080.
I鈥檓 really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he鈥檚 dead to me*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*