losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
You Might Also Like
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Hot hot hot 🥵
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.