Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.