Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Discuss
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me too, bag. Me too….
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!