Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me