If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Lmbo
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.