Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006