What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
He a real one for that
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
pat pat
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.