If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.