*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
adam and eve had first world problems
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I have many caverns