Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.