Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand