WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.