I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured