“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.