all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me hitting on a model
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast