Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Tremendous stuff
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.