Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom