Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
This is hilarious….
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog