Taliband
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”