HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.