These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June