Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Wise advice
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.