If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy