Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
You Might Also Like
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Two types of dogs.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.