i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants