If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.