Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Interior design 👌
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol