Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda