Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Writing, She Murdered.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO