Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws