I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
do what now??
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Would you wear it?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.