My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My neck, my back, my…
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.