Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Stop.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Guilty! 🤪
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine