I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix