If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
good work, detective
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God