[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior