“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
those birds must be on payroll
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”