[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
getting groceries
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
What’s so funny?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.