My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
They did not think through this water fountain
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.