Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.